The anxiety diary.

   Breathe. That's the first step in slowing down the anxiety... It's also one of the more difficult steps to do whilst under attack. Meditation works sometimes, until the quiet gets too loud and you find it growing more difficult to breathe, so you get up really quickly and you walk around and try and make yourself laugh, or distract yourself as best as possible. Until the shit really hits the fan, and the attack is full blown and you later find yourself on the bathroom floor running the shower because that sound (besides a vacuum cleaner) is the only thing that can fully calm you down. Once semi-stable you turn the water to warm and climb inside and try and wash away whatever fear is still crawling on your skin. Residue is left over, and you try and convince yourself that next time the detection will be early, and that you will have mastered the art of self calming before breaking down. Usually that doesn't happen.
    The medications work, but the risk of dependency and rise in dose is almost as scary as the actual attack, so you try herbal remedies that work pretty well for the small spells, but doesn't do much for the big stuff. I find that sometimes writing can bring a big attack down to just a little one, that usually fades off in anywhere from twenty to forty minutes. Hence the creation of this gem.
    On and off for eleven years I've been sleeping in this exact room, it's always comfortable, and feels safe... One show. It took one paranormal witness show and a shadow created by a lamp shade to (what I hope only shortly) desecrate the comfort of this room. Funny how the mind can turn a spec of nothing into straight fear. Like trying to rub a small stain out of a white shirt. The annoying part is that I fully understand that my fear is irrational, but a portion of my mind defies logic and convinces me that I am in danger, despite the fact that for eleven years I've only ever felt safe.
     I'm only a four out of ten right now on the nervous scale, but you never know if it will keep increasing or just stop completely. I'm hoping for the second option because sleep sounds really good. Any readers have bad anxiety? It's really a bitch.