It's been a while!

    I've had a ton of ideas for posts, but a lack of motivation as of late. I suppose this will be sort of a spacer, so that anyone that reads this knows I haven't abandoned this blog. I'll start writing down a list of ideas for posts and do one each week. I do enjoy having this creative outlet, I just need to work on my issues with commitment.

   I will post again this week!

Pretty content.

     Things have been going pretty alright, lately. I've got to make a couple phone calls to make sure that everything is set for school in January, and in the meantime just rake up as many hours as possible at work. Speaking of work, my manager totally said it was cool to wear makeup. I wore a little today, and no one seemed to put out. I'm sure as long as I keep it simple no one will get to fussy. It's just sort of nice to have that fresh breath of identity freedom. This job has been a lot better than I expected. I'm building up some self confidence, and having a pretty good time while doing so.
     This paycheck is going to be pretty decent, so I'm planning on doing a makeup haul, and in a couple weeks I'm going to do an online shopping haul. My makeup collection is dwindling so I'm ecstatic to go out and get more!
      I just wanted to post a small update, hope all of you are doing well!

Arms.

I got stars in my eyes,

The view is relaxed.

Caught in the breeze,

Awaiting the storm. 

The clock dances,

The list grows.

I got stars in my eyes,

Tired and glossed over.

Night threatens to fall,

I better wake up soon.

The clock dances,

The list grows. 

I got stars in my eyes,

The view is hazy.

Caught in a dream,

Waiting for morning.

The clock dances,

The list grows.  

Drunk Diary: Wah.

     I'm listening to Graduation by The Verve Pipe, and I'm thinking to myself that I miss so many fucking people. Funny what time does, and where we go.
    I used to want to rewind, and do everything right. I realized had I the chance, I would have ruined the experience. I'm proud of who I am, and everything I did. I just wish that connections were stronger, because friendship is important. People must have forgotten. I'm guilty too.
     I think that's all, hah.

Rearranged my room!

    I officially got accepted back into school but, unfortunately I can't attend until the Spring semester. I thought that since I would be starting school soon I could really use a desk, so I looked online and found one for a pretty decent price. I saved the link and planned on saving sixty dollars from two paychecks and then purchasing it. I told my mom that I found a desk that I liked, but before I could finish telling her about it she informed me that her friend had one for me, and that I could pick it up on Saturday. I got out of work Saturday afternoon and collected the desk. It was a bit bigger than I had imagined so I had to change my room around a little bit for it to fit. I thought I'd show you what my room looks like now, sadly I forgot to take any before pictures!

                                                           

And, that's my room! 

Richard was just too cute not to include in this, haha.

I think I'm going to try and do a small makeup haul, because It's that time where I'm low on almost everything.

up and down

    A black spot on the drinking glass, tucked away hidden; Unusable. The more I dance this tango, the more the answers seem invisible. Watered down for my protection, bullet-proof vest for my sanity. Sometimes the cracks grow wider, and more slips through; Cascading down to depths unknown. I have sense enough to know not to ever delve too deep. The mind can be a tricky place, with trap doors and riddles that can leave one stuck pondering forever.
     Curiously often tries to skim the surface, fear changes the curiosity into a kitten pawing at a bug, until a swift movement sends the cat booking for safety. It's a hidden blessing to disregard thoughts that haunt without even protruding effort. A robotic vacuum cleaner. Frustration sets in quite often, when I try to pry from the depths something that fascinates (or scares) me. Inside of my mind is an outrageously immense list of irrational fears. Silence, answering phones, spread out areas, most men... The list goes on.
      I noticed that this cluster of words is really lacking a plot. I just really felt the need to write because, like most nights anxiety has draped itself over my face. A soaking wet cloth, allowing me no air... Just this intense urge to breathe, but my lungs feel dry and empty.
     A balance would be nice. Too many dramatic highs and lows, no middle ground.

The funk.

Like a slope coated in a thick layer of soap,
With a pit promised at the very black bottom.
A mental break down brought on to break down,
Every thought that bounces inside of the brain.
I'm stuck in the middle of this old platform,
Aging and eroding more each moment.

Sometimes honesty is the most terrifying thing,
Vulnerability comes in and takes the horizon.
Where a sun should be setting or rising,
Or a dark sky should be covered in starlight.
Truth is this is growing more and more exhausting,
A battle that I don't quite understand.

Venture on, move along, do something at least.
It's kind of hard here, with the rock and hard place.
Things will grow better, if I allow myself time.
But, time is moving pretty damn fast,
Scary to think that in a blink I'm here again.
Logically I never quite got to get away.

A yawn emerges from the depths of my lungs,
And I know that soon I'll be tired enough to sleep.
Wake tomorrow with a better outlook if I'm lucky,
You see... This is my description of the funk.
It's just a day cloaked in shitty emotions,
Memories, feelings, and dead optimism.

Thinking cap.

    I long for rain on nights like these, when nerves rush like traffic through my brain. Two fingers softly clenching a cigarette, hoping that the intensity of my being tense will disappear like the smoke being forced from my worried lungs. Music selected to drown the quiet that for some reason is drowning me, lately the discomfort grows when the world isn't making enough noise. I haven't been making too much sense lately, perhaps it's all just a strange phase.
    Maybe I'm just transforming into my idea of an adult, taking tiny steps towards becoming some sort of grown up. Or as stated before this just could be a phase. I seem to venture down all different kinds of paths, never really choosing one staple road to continue down. I'd like to think that I'm figuring things out, but it's never that simple. I have these portraits in my mind, all painted with detail. Created for me to recreate.
     My dreams have never really been king sized, never really too far-fetched. Always obtainable, with just a decent amount of determination and effort, but the thought soon begins to plague me. Is the juice worth the squeeze? I'll never know unless I squeeze. Fear is sometimes a necessity, but mine is like a rose bush grown out of control. I can find a balance and move forward, I feel pretty ready.
     I think too much, which verifies that my mom is quite often correct. I detest that fact. Imagine if somehow we could pause our minds for a bit, just whatever we didn't want to deal with. I have this thing with backtracking, living in moments that I absolute hate. Conjuring the memories entirely knowing that I will feel like shit afterword, which makes me think that I like feeling like shit. I don't, but the subconscious can really do a number.
    I'm really just hoping that tomorrow brings answers, and allows me back on the path of becoming some sort of adult like entity. Ready to take on the real world, and allow myself all of my extremely obtainable dreams. I hope all of you do the same. :)

The quiet things.

He asked me if I was a fan of the band, I blindly said yes. I was a fan of whatever he was. Upon further scrutiny I realized that the band played an anthem of mine, mostly forgotten due to the time lapse. Years seem to pass like days, I was under the impression that feelings would do the same. Being wrong upsets me, hence my frantic ability to never be right, either. He always seemed so brilliant to me, he still does at some points in our conversations. It's sort of funny how love can dissolve and return, like a sand sculpture destroyed and then rebuilt by the oceans will. Secretly, at one point I was almost to the point where surrendering to him seemed logical. That notion was lost, upon realizing that he was too familiar. Nostalgic, and noticeable like each of my mistakes. A castle build from the shards of beauty and horror, a story so recognizable that it stole the breath from my inner gallows.
I can say with a straight face that I love you more than I should. I focus far too much on what you used to be. A soul bearing so much pain and beauty that it pacified my own, and left me reaching for more. I can't blame you, it is my own fault. Had I an option to start all over, I can almost guarantee that I would find you.
Back in those days, we were both so young and silly. Straining words like muscles to appease to each other, now a bit older, I almost feel the same. My feelings don't matter all that much, because I've learned that my feelings are awful and destructive. Yet, somehow I've granted you the permission to destroy me. I sort of expect the truth from you... Get it over with, establish something or walk onward, with me on the same page as your hearts needs.
I just sort of have always seen us on the same page, a wavelength connected by our minds. I know it's foolish, be honest and let me know that I have invested too much trust in you. I have, I can feel it.
Smile, live well, and never regret anything.
And just know, that someone is always here for you.

1000+

     Every once in a while I'm consumed by this notion that I am incredibly trapped, and with that comes a heaping side of anxiety. It happened again today, so I thought, and thought, and thought, and... Well, you get the point. These logically ridiculous episodes have been happening an increasingly lot lately, and it's clear why. Sometimes my mind just gets a little too fragile for me to look the truth in the face and do something about fixing my predicament.
     Setting goals does not seem to be working out for me. It's awful but it's starting to make sense. Just because I can say that I want a change, doesn't mean really anything until I put forth the effort to create the desired changes that I need. So I'm not going to set any goals, I'm just going to make them happen. This plan should be foolproof, but with me you never know.

On a less crazy topic, you guys have given me over one thousand views! Thanks for reading. I do have some new stuff, and makeup looks planned. As stated in a prior post, if there is anything you would like to see, just leave it in a comment! :)

Interlude.

     The entirety of my life is constructed of a cycle of circles, and I'm finishing up another round. Frustrated scribbles on off-white paper, a mix of black and blue ink. Memories absolve like smoke rings, and fade before my hand can reach to grasp them. A weight on my rib cage, a question attacking like sharks finding the scent of a flesh wound; Was my time wasted? Were my experiences worth the mistakes... Perhaps things were just meant to happen, but as of right now it's hard to understand. 

     Fifty-fifty the thought process consumes, and I'm left to be referee. To be careless and free, or contained and semi-comfortable. The length of living is short, a wave to shore that is over in but a blink. Fight to put the past to bed, tucked in and drugged with a cocktail strong enough for it to never wake. Anger can be so incredibly empty, like carrying a stainless steel box of nothing. Forgiveness seems sort of cliche when you are lacking an entity to push it off onto, so I'll forget and send it out for the ocean waves to mutilate. Exhale and allow particles of sunlight to disperse through the blood stream. 

     This war was over years ago, I've been knife fighting with ghosts for too long. It was strange looking at my wounds and seeing only scars. Perhaps confusion plays a part, or maybe it's the similarity in scenery. There is a need spreading like fire inside to find an exit and run. Someplace new, where no one really knows me. Where I can close my eyes and let peace fill my body until it overflows. Where waking up isn't exhausting, and where my dreams can manifest without threat of a wrecking ball, or flash fire. Breathing in these toxins for this long made the cigarettes taste like cotton candy, and the alcohol pour down like rain water. I've been a zombie for quite a while. And,

     I'm so ready to start over again. 

Today

I have dreams and aspirations,
And a terrible urge to sleep.
After years of bad decisions,
I stay quite true to my streak.
Tomorrow means next month,
And that month is forgotten,
Because of excuses and cocktails;
Both strong and addicting.

I have this ringing in my ear,
Wait, that's my family.
Echos melting into Psalms,
The creepy unison prayers;
That I'll pull my head out
Of my ass and do something.
The desire isn't present,
And I'm sick of always faking.

Tomorrow I'm still safe,
Monday is the deadline;
A promise I made to try,
A couple small phone calls.
I can already feel the anxiety,
A stupid crack in my voice.
A rude woman at a desk,
A flustered disconnection.

It's pretty damn hard to find
The perfect sound of quiet.
A mix of soft white noise,
And a mind saying nothing.
Perhaps I'll find it tomorrow,
And progress down a path.
Paved by a bunch of tomorrows,
In which I force myself awake.

You're a boy, why do you wear makeup? lol

Because, I do what I want you little bitch.


    Our gender expressions have changed drastically over the years, and yet still there are people who don't understand. I especially hate when women give men a hard time for wearing makeup and feminine clothing... My experiences with idiots is dwindling but when a woman genuinely has a hard time understanding the simplicity of a man wearing makeup I just look at them slyly, all while thinking why don't we go stuff you back into a corset and a big elegant Victorian style dress. Men usually have a tougher time getting it, I think the problem is that men are extremely anti-feminine, they only see women as sex devices, so when a man looks like a woman, they have to question themselves because there is nothing worse than being a faggot (in their minds). So when a man gets angry at a man who looks like a woman, he's really just freaked out because the brain below the belt sent a signal to the brain above the belt that confused him. The open minded guys are the ones who are usually most confident in there heterosexual orientation.
     My parents have a pretty hard time understanding why I choose to look the way I do, and it gets to the point where explanation isn't doing anything. So, I'll just have to wait for androgyny to become more of a trend, and then when their friends kids start doing it, I'll be normal and understood. Self expression should not be limited to men wearing work boots and jeans, and ladies wearing six inch pumps and dresses... The problem with people is that we have a hard time digesting what we don't understand. In order to push through all one must do is live and let live, perhaps even do a serenity prayer.

The anxiety diary.

   Breathe. That's the first step in slowing down the anxiety... It's also one of the more difficult steps to do whilst under attack. Meditation works sometimes, until the quiet gets too loud and you find it growing more difficult to breathe, so you get up really quickly and you walk around and try and make yourself laugh, or distract yourself as best as possible. Until the shit really hits the fan, and the attack is full blown and you later find yourself on the bathroom floor running the shower because that sound (besides a vacuum cleaner) is the only thing that can fully calm you down. Once semi-stable you turn the water to warm and climb inside and try and wash away whatever fear is still crawling on your skin. Residue is left over, and you try and convince yourself that next time the detection will be early, and that you will have mastered the art of self calming before breaking down. Usually that doesn't happen.
    The medications work, but the risk of dependency and rise in dose is almost as scary as the actual attack, so you try herbal remedies that work pretty well for the small spells, but doesn't do much for the big stuff. I find that sometimes writing can bring a big attack down to just a little one, that usually fades off in anywhere from twenty to forty minutes. Hence the creation of this gem.
    On and off for eleven years I've been sleeping in this exact room, it's always comfortable, and feels safe... One show. It took one paranormal witness show and a shadow created by a lamp shade to (what I hope only shortly) desecrate the comfort of this room. Funny how the mind can turn a spec of nothing into straight fear. Like trying to rub a small stain out of a white shirt. The annoying part is that I fully understand that my fear is irrational, but a portion of my mind defies logic and convinces me that I am in danger, despite the fact that for eleven years I've only ever felt safe.
     I'm only a four out of ten right now on the nervous scale, but you never know if it will keep increasing or just stop completely. I'm hoping for the second option because sleep sounds really good. Any readers have bad anxiety? It's really a bitch.

Mascara

Here's a trick I use to get the maximum length possible for my eyelashes! 

Step 1. Gently coat the tips of your eyelashes, making sure to not get them too thick! This just ensures that you will get the maximum length from your mascara! 

Step 2. At the base of your eyelashes gently wiggle the wand from side to side and slowly make your way to the tips again. 

Step 3. Use an eyelash comb to eliminate all clumps. 

Step 4. Use the eyelash want to separate and even out your eyelashes.

This works extremely well for me, and I hope it does for you! 

I'm going to try and get another tutorial up soon!

Graduate.

Four years ago seems so far away,

Out of reach but close enough to see.

Countless decisions made to haunt,

Growth and learning inevitable.

Questions bloom but sit quietly, 

Like tea forgotten on the coffee table. 

Strange to see the shift in power,

Great and awful minds released.

The real world often feels pretend,

I remember all the excitement.

The bets and stashes of paper,

Embellished with my dreams.

Funny how the world can change us,

A secret metamorphosis.

Much can happen between,

Nine and thirteen.   

Well.

I was going to start a post demonstrating how to make bruschetta pasta, and a strawberry short cake... But work just called and I have to go in at seven tomorrow, so perhaps I'll do that another night. A product review should be coming soon, seeing as I will be acquiring a paycheck soon! Any products you want to see reviewed? Let me know :)

Well, it's off to bed. G'night!

Knowledge

It's tinted and claimed forbidden,

Hidden by a book shelf in the backroom.

Neither lost or ever really forgotten,

Just hidden behind a bookshelf;

In the back room. 

Years spent constructing the vault,

Camouflaged and concealed forever.

Visited frequently when completely alone,

As to not give away the direct location,

Marvelously hidden behind a shelf of books.

In the back room,

Lit dully with not a single window;

A plethora of information hidden.

Only for one to know the truth,

Of what lies behind the shelf of books.  

Thought.

Sometimes I think I might be thinking too much,

And then realize that the thought cements the deal.

Put on my thinking cap and try to devise a plan,

To perfect a way to quiet down my busy brain. 

Skull aches and I realize I've gotten nowhere,

Caught up in another angry ocean of ideas. 

It gets a little hectic to ponder all the time,

And exhausting to scrutinize and evaluate.

Sort of a safety net to keep me from falling,

Too deep into a void where I can't focus.

I think the ocean is really agitated tonight,

Memories are illuminated like lightning. 

I could just be over playing the nostalgia,

Mother says I'm dramatic and I agree.

At least she can't say my mind is lazy,

Her and I are very much the same. 

There must be thousands of people like me,

Given a mind that resembles the sea.

Diary of a crazed man-lady.

    I've quickly approached the need to vent, without actually including what I need to vent about... How does one do this?... There comes a point where a repetition of things becomes almost unbearable, yet you know that they are going to continue, and due to the situation you understand that they are unavoidable. Scratch that, I don't understand why they are not avoidable. This constant fight is best depicted as a pile of building blocks, each representing a different argument. These blocks are pretty swiftly piled upon each other until the tower starts to rock back and forth, at this point one would fear that the tower would collapse, so they would either stop piling altogether, or spend time making sure that the structure is secure... This structure is not secure, and more blocks are being placed on top and at any moment it could all just tumble back down to the ground, as it has before. I, myself would enjoy avoiding the happening of this because for the most part, I'm sort of in an okay place in my life. I'd fancy to continue forward, backtracking and over reflecting is something I'd really like to leave in the past.

   I'm sure some sleep will help wash some of this away, I just really needed to type away and vent a bit. It's healthy, I guess.

Soul Mate

Been writing like crazy lately, so I decided to share some new work. 

No threat of danger leaves me stagnant,

Wisdom brings the soul to boredom.

Sparks burn out prior to transforming,

I need a fire to burn through my body.

Ashes like angel dust to excite and destroy,

What is life without fear of threat.

I need a dance partner ready for the dark,

Someone who doesn't need direction.

A free soul flowing through the rapids,

Never trapped in fear or tainted by regret.

An exact opposite mind set of my own,

Ready to jump without even glancing.

Where he goes I might just follow,

Toss myself before him for shock value.

Risk everything because I'll have to,

Watch the fear evaporate to nothing.

Walk through an isle of burning coals,

To allow my soul its proper growth.

I need a man.

Hope sometimes nestles itself within my thinking,

And I wonder if soon someone will come to save me.

It's been a while since I've felt one hundred percent,

Probably because fifty percent is living in someone else.

To be alone is a curse disguised as some kind of blessing,

A lonesome mattress just as desperate as I am.

These thought bubbles interrupt my sleeping,

Last night I dreamed of washing dishes.

Somehow that transformed into a bunch of crabs,

Falling from a rack above into the dish water.

I woke up and thought to myself in a quiet voice,

What the fuck was that all about.

Had I an occupant beside me on this mattress,

I could have had a great discussion.

Or he would of disregarded me completely,

Telling me to shut up and go back to sleep.

That's where the curse comes crashing in,

An indecisive fantasy born from insecurity.

I really hope I don't dream of crabs tonight,

Perhaps I could dream of a nice tropical place.

Yet, they would absolutely have crabs there,

So maybe I could dream of a really nice date.

A bottle of wine at home with some Chinese,

No seafood, just some much needed cuddling.  

Push.

    I realized that often when certain people spoke to me I disregarded it because I was sure that I knew more, or better than they did... Although my little brother proved me quite wrong. (Which I hate admitting). I was discussing certain jobs and why I didn't want to work them and Jake stopped me and asked me what I wanted to work for. He used his newly bought truck for an example, saying that when he felt like quitting or sleeping in, he would just think of his truck payment and that would offer enough push to keep him going. I sat there with him, and thought for a few minutes and couldn't think of one thing that I wanted to work for. I knew the cat food was getting pretty low so I'd have to get more, but besides the kitty I couldn't think of a single thing, probably due to the fact that I got so used to not being able to get my own stuff. I was at work Monday and everything was piling up and I was getting ahead of myself, and I just breathed and thought of three things that I wanted to save up for... It worked! I got through the day proud of myself for actually following through with something. The lesson I learned was to start listening more. Even if you are certain that you are king or queen of all knowledge there's always room for more. Worse of all, sometimes your younger siblings can be right.

The job is mine!

I have orientation tomorrow! Although it isn't the position I was hoping for, the manager said I can work my way up to it. I'm excited to have an income again, even if for right now it's only part time. I'm sure I can get full time pretty fast.

Cross your fingers!

I have a job interview tomorrow! I'm so excited, I hope I get this. It will improve every aspect of my life, and I'm in dire need of improvement. With this job will also come some fun stuff for you guys! Like more product reviews, tutorials, and recipes!

Cross them fingers for me, guys! I'm so nervous for tomorrow.

Summer makeup.

I can already tell that this summer is going to be scalding, which means I can kiss my normal foundation routine goodbye (for the day at least). I suppose it will be nice because I have been wanting to focus on more simple and natural looks.

If you have pretty decent skin, let it be naked for the warm months. just make sure you have some sort of sun protection. If you are uncomfortable going out without makeup on here is my favorite and most used way to defeat the heat and look gorgeous.

The first step is to wash your face really well, following with a decent layer of moisturizer. Blot the excess moisture from your face with a paper towel, and then buff in a very thin layer of your favorite foundation. Gently blot the excess foundation from your face (The less product on your face the longer it will last). Use a concealer and place a dot over all the blemishes you want to get rid of, blend the concealer into the foundation using your finger. Go in with a finishing powder, and really press the product into your skin. This will lock everything together. Pat your face with a paper towel to remove the left over powder, and from there do your face however you see fit for the day. :)

Kentucky call, and this damn cold.

My friend from Kentucky called again, but this time I was actually home. She had me laughing til I was coughing like an idiot. I miss that state already! I'm going to blame this horrible sick I caught from all the toxins in the New York air. I think the cold is almost ready to go away though! Which means that I will shave and start working on makeup stuff again. I haven't painted my face in forever!

Whilst on the topic of my new Kentucky friend, I thought I would share a story that I encountered whilst with her.

We were at the reception after the wedding and a larger women behind me was feeding her baby at a rapid pace, to the point where the child looked like a chipmunk from all the food that he hadn't been able to swallow yet. My friend looked over and then took a double take, and looked at me.
"God damn, look at her feed that baby"! I looked over and my eyes got wide. She then said "That ain't right, just cause the mama eat that way don't mean the baby have to. God damn, let the fucker breathe"!

I was laughing so hard. I need to live in Kentucky for a few years because I want that God damn accent. I've been working on mine a bit, it's getting better!

Hope you enjoyed the story, cause I was dying.

Home!

Home from Kentucky, I had a really great time! :D
The traffic on the way down was pretty awful, but the scenery kept our eyes busy. I forgot to bring any sort of camera, so no pictures :( Next time I'll remember.
It was nice seeing family I haven't seen in a while, and my cousins wedding was really pretty.
We got all sorts of intoxicated, even my mother partook in a few shots.

I just wanted to give you guys a quick update, I have some stuff planned for the near future.
Unfortunately I've acquired a bit of a cold and it's kicking my ass today. D:

Road trip!

My parents, aunt, and I are heading down to Kentucky tomorrow for my cousins wedding this weekend! It should be fun seeing that I haven't seen this part of my family in a while, and I've never been to Kentucky. I'm going to try and take some pictures. It will be nice to get out of New York for a few days.

Also I do plan on getting a tad more organized and start posting more on here, I was going to upload a recipe but it just didn't work out. I shall do one soon though!

Drunk diaries: Beer.

Well, right now I'm only three sheets to the wind. One more until satisfaction, although I don't feel satisfied. I'm sort of wishing that one was in my bed, lonesome can be so cruel. I have more to drink and the logic follows as such; If I feel too sick I can sleep on the bathroom floor. I probably shouldn't have partaken in this odd drunk fest, but I felt it necessary to enjoy myself. If this were a journal entry, I would state that I would have enjoyed it more if you were here, but I try and not focus on you anymore because it is wrong to put myself through such a stupid cycle. I prefer to rather label this as a log. Sort of like a science experiment. No tubes, burners or beakers, just the thought process behind being almost completely drunk.
There wasn't too much nostalgia tonight, just a need to have a good time. Which can be sort of hard sometimes, as in seeing that I have some sort of weird attachment to a past that I'm tirelessly trying to conquer. The fire was pretty, embers fizzling and popping into a completely black backdrop. *Pause to indulge in a good friend* Back again and ready to indulge whilst watching something. I can;t think of anything else to say right now. G'night.
Well technically morning, but who gives a fuck about the technical shit. :D

Starting.

      I've been suffering the realization that despite still being quite young, I am not young. Each year will bring more obstacles and responsibilities whether I want them or not. It's sort of funny how you spend your entire childhood and teenage years wanting to race to adulthood like there is automatically a car, career, house, and a family at the finish line. Naive; Which is perfectly alright for a child to be, because with age comes knowledge. You learn what's right and what's wrong, test the boundaries, scope out how the older people act. Poor some juicy juice in a wine glass, alongside your pack of candy cigarettes. Blow an invisible smoke ring, and pound your beverage only to wobble away for another glass. These things were perfectly normal, because the race had begun.
     As you get older you realize that you actually have to invest energy in achieving what you want, some really go one hundred percent, whilst others (such as myself) searched for the quick and easy. The second route is full of disappointment and a lot of tail chasing, then regret when you understand that had you only put forth the effort you would have been exactly where you wanted to be. For some reason I've always allowed myself to learn everything the hard way, just to forget and repeat the mistakes. Twenty two. Perhaps it's time to get serious? Something in my head is telling me that I should have gotten serious a while ago.
      There is no car, career, or house. I still have family, although not my own. Had I spent a fraction of the time I took to map out ways to get away with the bare minimum, I would have had all of that. But now that I know why everything turned out so bizarre, I can stop mapping out the course and just go full speed ahead. No short cuts, or promises to do it all later. Later never really came, because as you know time is a paradox.
     I think I'll start right now.

22

"They only want you when you're seventeen, when you're twenty-one you're no fun" - Ladytron.
Well, ladies and gentlemens... I am twenty two! It's odd, saying that. Each year the number grows and I feel more surprised each time. The last year has been pretty good to me, despite the fact I accomplished nothing, I had a damn good time. It's now time to move forward and attempt becoming an adult. Time is something that should never be wasted, and I'm sort of guilty of doing such.

Goodbye, twenty-one. Hello adult.

This week was hectic, but there will be videos and photos gracing this blog again shorty!

Murdering acne: Just a few tips.

This week I was planning on doing some new makeup looks, but due to the state that my face is in, I might have to pass! It all happened so quickly! One morning I wake up looking clean and clear, the next day I wake up looking like the poster child for the pre-proactive commercial picture. Sad. Very sad. I'm sure it's happened to all of you before, and if it hasn't consider me jealous! Luckily, there are ways to ensure, and speed the healing process, and once again have a zitless face.
Here are a few tips and tricks to get your face looking less like a connect the dots puzzle.
#1. Don't freaking pop or pick! (I neglected this step, someone hit me).
#2. Try not to wear any makeup! (Let the face breathe)!
#3. Do not over-wash your face. (It'll dry out your skin).
#4. When washing the face use warm water (it opens the pores) rinse well with warm water, and then rinse again with cold water. (Cold water closes the pores so no crud can get it).
#5. Did I mention not to pick or pop?
#6. Stay away from greasy foods during a breakout.
#7. Constantly touching the face will worsen the breakout.
#8. Wash your hands and face after mealtimes. (This eliminates any chance of grease and dirt to settle into the pores).
#9. Lastly, don't pick! (It will just make the breakout look like some terrible flesh eating disease, and also could turn into scarring).

If you must wear makeup during a breakout, don't go too crazy with the cover up. Add a light application to the face, and then cover any redness with just a dab of concealer, and a light dusting of finishing powder. As soon as your day is over make sure to wash your face really well.

Hopefully this can help you get a nice clear face, and if you already have one perhaps a couple of these tips can help you keep it!

My boots!

I ordered these from Zappos.com, and they came really freaking quickly! I ordered these on Sunday and received them early afternoon on Wednesday. I've worn them out of the house three times so far, and they are quite comfortable. As you will see in the pictures you can wear these up or down. I will definitely order from the website again. Any-who... Here are the boots.

I love them! I was sad upon checking the website and realizing that these only came up to a size fourteen, but when I read the comments the people were saying that they all had to order a size smaller because Dr. Marten boots run big. I crossed my fingers and orders and was so happy when they fit me. 

Like so happy! 

Here's a picture of me and Chunky when I brought the wigs home, haha. 

Hope you guys are having a good weekend! 

What's black, furry, and purrfect?

My kitty!
My friend decided to only bring one of her furry friends to her new apartment, and I just couldn't resist claiming one of them. His name is Richard and he is so freaking cute!
Due to some difficulties, and distractions created by mister kitty, I didn't shoot the shoe uboxing video, which means that I shall tomorrow. Chunky and I are still planning out the Grey Gardens video, but that will be something to look forward to. Here's a picture of Richard!

He's a bitch to photograph, I'll post more pictures when he stays still and allows me to. 

:3

Wigs, and more wigs!

My friend got rid of all of her wigs, and who else would she give them to other than me and my gay little brother.
Four wigs now hang from my mirror in my bedroom, just waiting to be worn out of my house.
I'm planning on doing a shoe unboxing video on Friday, so I was thinking of perhaps bringing Alotta back for the video. Which wig should she wear?

#1 Black curly

#2 Pink curly

#3 Black straight

#4 Red-brown straight

Which one is your favorite? 

Well, that didn't work out.

I was going to have a couple new videos, but the Gray Gardens idea is still being planned, and the makeup video I shot didn't really work out too well! :(
I was also going to deliver a special surprise, but... That didn't work out either!
This week I'll really focus on delivering some good stuff.
Whilst talking about good stuff! I got a pair of boots! They should be here on Friday.
Perhaps a shoe unboxing is in order? I'm so excited to own a pair of these, because quite frankly finding a good shoe in my size is like finding a shark in the Eerie canal. Also, I'm going to be receiving something else extra special on Friday! It's going to be wonderful :D

On a separate note: My little brother bought his first car this weekend! It's a big ol' blue truck, and it's gorgeous! We spent some time in that over the weekend, windows down and music blasting, as a car ride should be. It's funny how one sets a goal and achieves it, haha. I've been quite awful at doing such. Mother thinks it has to do with my dwelling on the past, sadly I might have to agree. It seems I've gotten myself in an awful habit, er, a couple.
There's this voice inside my head that doesn't seem to want to stop squawking, like a big nasty bird right outside of your open window. The bird is immortal. Mother tells me to learn from the mistakes but not dwell on them, and I think my mind has a hard time processing the fact that I can move on from things. I'm sure I'm not the only creature on this planet that who suffers with this dilemma. I suppose all we can do is take it day by day, and hope that time can sort of fade away the slate that one focuses on. It's thirty seven minutes away from a new day so I have that to look forward to... Thirty six now.

On a last note! I've decided to try and submit more writing! I just need to grow some melons and select the pieces I want to send out. From there I can just take it day by day (common theme) and hope that the person who reads my words falls in love with them.

I hope your weekend was fantastic! :)
Thirty five!

Product review - Subtle makeup

                                      Product review #2: Neutrogena Oil - Free Acne Wash. 

(No makeup in this photo)!

I bought this product four days ago due to an annoying breakout.

After the first use my skin felt fantastic! I woke up the next morning and the breakout was nearly gone. 

Today all I have left is a little dot, that will be gone by morning, I'm in love with this stuff!

It smells really good, and works even better!

I know the review was brief, but it's just so simple and effective. 

I've been working on more subtle looks lately. Honestly, I find them harder than my dramatic looks. 

I worked on some smokey looks tonight and came out with this.

I'm planning on making a tutorial for more simple looks, seeing that people would probably leave the house with simple versus over the top, haha. 

I'll take requests as well. :)

This week.

This week has been crazy! But, I've been working towards bettering myself, so the crazy is necessary. This weekend I plan on making a couple new videos, and perhaps even doing a new recipe.
Change has been pretty nice this week.
So far I've gotten up everyday at 4:30AM.
I got a new bed set, and some clothes.
I've gotten a plethora of applications,
And I went through with a haircut.

I'm planning on doing a product review quite soon, because the face wash I got is amazing. I'm wearing no makeup in the photo! 

Hope you guys are having a great week! 

Change is in order.

The first step of success is actually trying, today I plan on doing such. It's an odd realization when you look in the mirror and realize that you are the one holding YOU back. At first denial pops up, and you think to yourself that your lack of effort comes from the weather, or a headache, or that today just doesn't feel right. Anger is next, and you reflect back at previous days and wonder what the hell you were thinking, or why you didn't try harder. This is the longest part of the process, this was the stage that I was really caught in. A web of bitterness, and wonder as to why I allow myself to wallow in what I had no control over. We are in complete control of our actions and decisions, and along our paths we are bound to make mistakes. Learning from a mistake is healthy, letting each one of them tear you apart is not. I realized this today, actually about thirty minutes ago. The lesson I'm teaching myself is to allow the past to wither away, but hold the lessons I learned close to me, as to not repeat them. Today, right now, I don't feel bitter. I don't feel sad, or angry. I feel ready to kick start a life.

Today is the perfect day for change, for something new.
Today I'm getting a haircut, getting job applications, getting a new comforter set, and spending some time outside. Today I'm going to get in the habit of building myself up. Right now is all that matters, to plan too far into the future will just build up the anxiety.
Right now, at 7:17 Am, I'm happy.
I plan to feel this way five minutes from now, twelve hours from now, ten years from now.

I hope you all feel happy right now as well.

Figuring this whole video thing out!

So I made a new video, and cut the process time in half! Learning new things has always been fun for me, unless of course it's math... I loathe math. This is a sort of club look I wear quite often. I was going to verbally guide how to achieve this look, but someone decided to play guitar whilst I was halfway through the look. Please do comment any looks you'd like to see. I'm planning on adding some recipe's soon, and my brother wants to work on a Gray Gardens spoof, so that should come to fruition in the near future. (Note- The blush was to go with the Jeffree theme, I would never apply that much and exit my home, haha).

:)

All I wanted to do was speed up the video!

Literally a nightmare!

I recorded myself painting my face. I had full intentions of speeding up the video, but had no editor or knowledge on how to do such. My brother informed me that if I just uploaded the forty-seven minute long video to youtube that it would allow me to speed the video up in the youtube editor... So I uploaded the video, which took a fantastic two plus hours to do. I went to the editor and discovered that there was no speed up option! I searched for video editing software and discovered that there was a free one offered by windows 7, so I downloaded it. For some horrible reason, the program would not accept the type of video that was on my computer, so I had to download a youtube video down loader, to down load my video from the interweb. That took a lovely hour and a half. Then, more problems arose so I decided to try and sleep. I woke up and fidgeted with the video, and realized that I had to re-download the whole thing again... But then the sun burst through the clouds and I figured everything out. So, here's my first makeup video!

Perhaps less is more!

         I was hanging out with my brother working on different makeup looks, when I decided to try and tone it down in hopes of doing makeup that a woman would actually wear. I found that soft and subtle makeup can actually be flattering, and I may wear it out once in a while. I've always been more attracted to the extremes in life, so when it came to makeup I guess I thought I'd follow suit. It was sort of nice looking in the mirror and not seeing something extreme. Unfortunately I forgot to snap a photo! But it's rather simple to explain. I used a white cream eye shadow all over my lid, and set it with white powder eye shadow. Then I put a soft gold tone in the the center of my lid, and a medium brown in my outer corner, I deepened my natural crease with the same brown color. I softly lined my water and lash line, and added a little liner on my upper lash line. I finished with mascara and a pink lip gloss.
          This has sort of inspired me to start doing some makeup that most people would wear out of their homes. If you'd like to see anything in particular just comment with a request.
       

Adding to my hatred of shaving.

As some of you may know, my hatred for shaving is intense.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the hatred GREW. 

I dragged myself to the bathroom because, well, the beard was getting ridiculous. 

I washed my face, I exfoliated, and I went to go pump some shaving cream into my weary hands and realized that my brother took the SHAVING CREAM. If my beard wasn't as out of control as it was, I would have walked away.... But this bitch needed a shave. 

Then God sent me a thought, that saved my mug from being torn to shreds!

A recipe! 

1 squeeze of moisturizer.

1 Little dollop of Vaseline.

1 squeeze of hair conditioner.  

Mix well and apply to the mug; Er, or legs, chest, you get the drill. 

A nice close shave, no pain, no cuts, no tantrums. :D

Homemade Iced Coffee

No makeup Monday. 

What you will need!

*Blender

*3/4 pot of strong coffee

*Small sauce pan

*Cup and a half of milk

*Half cup of sugar

*1/2 cup of sugar

*2 cups of Ice

What you need to do!

*Make a strong pot of coffee

*Add the milk, Vanilla, and sugar to the sauce pan.

*Bring the pan to a simmer, then take it off the heat. Let it cool completely. 

*Once the coffee is finished let it cool.

*Pour the ice into the blender.

*Add the cooled coffee and then blend for fifteen seconds.

*Let the froth dissolve and then add the milk mix and stir with a spoon until blended. 

Enjoy! :)

Brushetta + Ham and swiss crostini

   Spring is a great time to entertain. The weather becomes tolerable and people begin to spend more time outside. The following recipe's are extremely simple and perfect for entertaining a group of friends or a party. I served both of these snacks with a tossed Cesar salad as dinner for my family. Hopefully you will try one or both of these, they really are quite tasty, and easy! :)

-Bruschetta with toasted baguette-

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. 

Ingredients 

* Baguette 

* Olive oil

* 3 tomatoes

* Onion

* 2 cloves of garlic

* Fresh basil

* Dried oregano

* Salt

* Pepper

Dice the tomatoes, then mince the garlic and onion.

The basil just needs a rough chop.

Add all tomato, onion, garlic, and basil to a medium sized bowl.

Add a quarter cup of olive oil, a tablespoon of oregano, a teaspoon of salt, and a teaspoon of pepper to the bowl. Mix all the ingredients together, cover and refrigerate. 

Slice the baguette slightly diagonally into quarter inch pieces. Once the baguette is cut place the pieces on a baking pan and drizzle them in olive oil. 

Bake for fourteen minutes, or until golden and crispy. Place the pieces on a serving plate, and take the bruschetta out of the refrigerator. You can leave the plate and the bowl separate, or you can add the bowl to a big serving platter or even a wooden cutting board. 

Enjoy! 

-Ham and swiss crostini- 

(Makes about 13)

Ingredients:

* Deli sliced ham

* Quarter block of Swiss cheese

* Baguette 

-Mayo Spread-

* 1 tablespoon Mayo

* Half a tablespoon Mustard (whatever kind you like)

* one teaspoon Black pepper

Slice the baguette into diagonal quarter inch pieces. 

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. 

Grate the swiss cheese, and whip up the mayo spread for the crostini.

Spread a thin layer of the spread over the sliced baguette.

Tear the deli ham into bite sized pieces and fold some on top of the baguette. 

Sprinkle some swiss cheese over the ham and place the crostini's on a baking pan.

Bake for ten minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly and melted. 

You can plate these anyway you'd like.

Enjoy and comment if you'd like me to put up more recipe's! 

Inspired.

   I've woken up the past couple days with this need burning inside of myself to find some change. This cycle that I've become accustomed to, although safe is not much of a life at all. I've allowed my anxiety to take the wheel and direct me right into this concrete wall. I suppose the first step in changing this is admitting that I've allowed myself to get to this level of comfortable. I need to stop. I need to start chasing goals, because my life needs to be so much more spectacular than I've been leading.
   Visiting the city only fired up my thirst to live there more. I WILL live there. I've decided to keep a personal goal journal, in which I write every night to ensure that I am at least working on achieving some of the goals I've set for myself. My goals are as follows:
1. Exercise, and get down to a healthier weight.
2. Find a good job.
3. Get published
4. Save up money for a year or more.
5. After a year search for a job in the city.
6. Find a place and move there.
All of these goals can be achieved by taking small steps. I've always been the type to look at the whole picture, and if I couldn't get there in one jump, I would lose interest. I'm going to challenge myself with smaller stepping stones to ensure that I fulfill each goal successfully, with little room for failure.
    One step I took towards achieving a goal today was to exercise, and make a healthy dinner for my family. Tomorrow I plan on increasing my amount of exercise and spending some time outside (if the weather agrees). I'm feeling inspired, and it's a great feeling to have.

My day in NYC! Part 1.

I personally prefer the city at night, because I have ADD and all the lights had me enamored. But, the city in the day was pretty fantastic! We woke up around eight and got ready, then ran across the street to some bakery place, I honestly don't remember the name of. Then we explored 5th avenue and went inside Juicy Couture, they had some pretty colorful clothing. I saw the church that Jackie Onassis went to! Which was sort of cool cause pretty much the whole time I was there I was thinking of Gray Gardens and played little Edie quotes in my head all day. Here are a few pictures I took just walking around.

 Next time I'm going in there and buying something!

 Gucci :D

 The church Jackie O used to attend!

 People outside of the morning show.

After walking around we went back to our hotel room to freshen up and check out. We checked our bags in the hotel for the day so we didn't have to carry them around and then we took a bus tour. Here are a bunch of pictures from that. 

 Reminded me of Sharon Needles.

 My friend shopped in this store! It had a lot of cool stuff, and the shoes weren't bad either!

The picture above was taken directly from where we were dropped off in china town. Due to how many pictures I have left to post I'm going to stop right here, and finish adding the rest of the pictures in a separate post. I hope you guys enjoy these pictures as much as I did taking them!