Thinking cap.

    I long for rain on nights like these, when nerves rush like traffic through my brain. Two fingers softly clenching a cigarette, hoping that the intensity of my being tense will disappear like the smoke being forced from my worried lungs. Music selected to drown the quiet that for some reason is drowning me, lately the discomfort grows when the world isn't making enough noise. I haven't been making too much sense lately, perhaps it's all just a strange phase.
    Maybe I'm just transforming into my idea of an adult, taking tiny steps towards becoming some sort of grown up. Or as stated before this just could be a phase. I seem to venture down all different kinds of paths, never really choosing one staple road to continue down. I'd like to think that I'm figuring things out, but it's never that simple. I have these portraits in my mind, all painted with detail. Created for me to recreate.
     My dreams have never really been king sized, never really too far-fetched. Always obtainable, with just a decent amount of determination and effort, but the thought soon begins to plague me. Is the juice worth the squeeze? I'll never know unless I squeeze. Fear is sometimes a necessity, but mine is like a rose bush grown out of control. I can find a balance and move forward, I feel pretty ready.
     I think too much, which verifies that my mom is quite often correct. I detest that fact. Imagine if somehow we could pause our minds for a bit, just whatever we didn't want to deal with. I have this thing with backtracking, living in moments that I absolute hate. Conjuring the memories entirely knowing that I will feel like shit afterword, which makes me think that I like feeling like shit. I don't, but the subconscious can really do a number.
    I'm really just hoping that tomorrow brings answers, and allows me back on the path of becoming some sort of adult like entity. Ready to take on the real world, and allow myself all of my extremely obtainable dreams. I hope all of you do the same. :)